Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

 

Wow. Where do I even begin. A few years ago I came across an organization called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.  Immediately upon reading the mission and purpose of this effort, I knew it was something I wanted to be involved in. I signed up right then, but never completed the registration process. Mostly out of fear, I think.  Could I actually do this? Even though my heart says 1000% this is something I want to be a part of, would I be able to maintain my composure? I am a softee in so many ways. Sappy commercials make me cry! Could I really walk into a hospital room and photograph a child in these circumstances?

So I waited. I believe it’s been well over two years since I first signed up. Last month I read a blog post from another photographer (don’t even remember who anymore) about a NILMDTS session she had done and again my heart was stirred. I decided that day to complete the process. And I did. (Insert huge gasp!)  I contacted the area coordinator to let them know I was on board and then carried on with my every day life. Waiting and wondering when I would get *the call.*

Fast forward to last night- I was sitting at my computer starting at a blank WordPress screen attempting to blog a session.  I wasn’t in writing “mode” and I was at a loss as to what to say. Then, at 9:15, the phone rang. It was the NILMDTS area coordinator letting me know that they had a family in need of our services. She asked if I would be able to go. Immediately I started to panic. I’ve never done this before! I imagined the first time(s) I would go would be to shadow another photographer. I explained my fears to the coordinator but also let her know that if no one else was available, and the choice was between me and nothing, that I would go. She said she’d call me back.

I hung up the phone and was in shock. What if she called back and said I was on? I guess I imagined having time to prepare myself for this. It was almost 9:30 at night and I was already in my comfy jammies planning on an early turn-in. And now, I could be heading out to one of the biggest emotional challenges of my professional career (and life) thus far. I prayed. And prayed. And asked God for strength and guidance if I was the one who was needed. I paced back and forth in my tiny office seeking out His peace. And then the phone rang again. A different number this time. I answered and the woman introduced herself as Barb Spencer.  She said that she was going to photograph the child and wanted to know if I would like to shadow her. (HUGE sigh of relief) “Yes Please!” I think she was a bit taken back by my eagerness. But I was so thankful to have the gift of shadowing someone and not being on my own.  We talked details and she said she’d be by in 15 minutes to pick me up. (The hospital was on base and it would be easier to ride together.)

Ok you’re following along right? 15 minutes to prepare myself to enter a hospital room with a deceased child and a grieving family and attempt to capture (along with Barb) a precious treasure of images for them. Oh my gosh. I quickly changed out of my pjs, got my camera equipment together and stood at the door and paced. And paced. Until I saw the headlights in the driveway.

I walked over to the car and opened the door, “Hi, I’m Amy” I said as I got in the car with a complete stranger I had only spoken to for the first time a few minutes before.  I was immediately relieved that Barb looked so kind and friendly and not like a crazy ax murderer (hey you never know! As my brother quoted to me, “Stranger- Danger!”).  As we’re backing out of the drive way she asks about my brother’s license plate (He had come over to sit with Ryan since Brandon was still at work). Long story short we realized that I had actually met Barb FOUR YEARS AGO when I briefly worked as a Marketing Director for a local Chick-fil-a. I had met Barb at a marketing meeting and it was through that connection that Eric (my brother) started working as the Chick-fil-a cow the next month. Eric has been working with Barb for the past four years! Isn’t God amazing! I immediately knew that this was exactly where I was supposed to be.

With the ice broken, we chatted about the task before us. Barb had only shadowed one other session and this was her first time being the lead. We were both quite nervous to say the least. We pulled up to the hospital and Barb asked if I minded if she prayed before we walked in. YES PLEASE! Barb said a quick prayer for us for wisdom, guidance, and peace.  I also prayed once again for the ability to maintain composure and professionalism during this experience. That was, by far, my biggest fear. We gathered our equipment and walked into the hospital and up to the Labor and Delivery floor. We spoke to the nurse and she guided us to the room. (Deep Breath!)

We walk in and immediately my eyes are drawn to the child. Born at only 21 weeks she was only 10 inches long and weighed a mere 11.9 ounces. But she was beautiful. I don’t say that lightly either, this little angel was gorgeous. We spoke briefly to the mother and Barb began to get the beauty dressed. The hospital provided the most gorgeous pink gown complete with a matching hat. The items looked hand-made and I pray that God richly blesses the people who make those outfits. The ability to dress a child at such a tiny state is something I have never thought about.  What a blessing to be able to put a beautiful dress on your child. To be able to look back and remember that they were indeed a real person and a real life, although ended much too soon.  I was worried that seeing her, holding her and photographing her would seem strange and morbid but it didn’t.  She was a person, a meticulously crafted life, and she was beautiful.

We completed the session, expressed our heartfelt condolences, and walked out of the room. (Insert two huge sighs of relief!) We got out to the car and Barb says, “Well, we did it.” And we did. Only by God’s grace. We were able to hold ourselves together and remain composed.  The images that will be provided for the mother (100% free of charge, of course) will likely be the only memories she has of her sweet angel. And that is why I want to be a part of this organization. The ability to give families a gift like this in the midst of such an amazingly, incomprehensible tragedy is incredibly humbling. I am blessed beyond words to be a part of NILMDTS.

When I got home last night, my hubby was waiting up for me.  I know he was worried about me and how I handled the experience.  Brandon works in the funeral services industry so my recounts to him last night fell on very understanding and compassionate ears.  He seemed impressed that I got through the session without crying (again, only by God’s grace!).  We chatted a bit and then headed to bed.

Looking back, last night feels like it was just a dream. Did that really happen? I knew I had to blog about it so I will be able to remember the details weeks and years from now. Of how God divinely orchestrated the evening, start to finish.

Today my prayers are with the friends and family of sweet Ryla (isn’t that name beautiful!).  She was truly a beautiful, amazingly crafted angel and I am richly blessed to have been able to meet her.  I can almost see her now playing and dancing on the streets of gold. Perfect and whole in every way.

And to Barb- thank you so much for having faith in me! I am so thankful we met (again).

For more information on the NILMDTS organization, please visit their website at www.nilmdts.org.

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